Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A broken heart and a new identity

I've heard several messages and speakers lately talking about self esteem and self worth, about the need for identity and knowing ones self and one place in life. The latest time was just this Sunday. A singer and pianist came to our church. At the age of 6 he was run over by a lawnmower and his left leg had to be amputated. His father was a basketball coach so he identified as a sports star but that identity no longer fit. He discovered the piano and went to college on a scholarship and had a successful career in Branson, Missouri as a member of a quartet. He travelled the country with the quartet until he had a car accident and it paralyzed his left arm. He thought that was the end of his identity as a performer. Amazingly though he can still play and sing and perform with an artificial leg and a only one arm! He was great!!!

So tonight while I was laying down with Asa I started thinking about my identity. Before Asa I was a perfectly functioning person. I volunteered at the school. I worked in my church. I could carry on a full conversation. I was thankful and grateful for the blessings in my life. I was aware of how blessed we were to have a healthy family. I could parent, teach, play, cook, eat, enjoy activities with friends. I was a normal person!

Then when Asa got here the water got mucky. It was a crazy, strange world. Nothing worked like it was supposed to. Cooking, playing, working were all different and hard. Nursing, changing diapers, baby play was all different. I lost my confidence. I lost my identity as a Moma. It was no longer easy or very fun!

As we learned more about Asa and issues were piling up not lessening, I began to realize that the identity I'd painted in my head was not going to be. There would be one less on the ball team, one less in the school play, one less in VBS. Our family identity would be different and my identity would be different. And it was heart breaking! And I let God know all about it! It was a long conversation on my end, short on His! I finally just gave up the complaining and whining and gave my broken heart to God.

And God did what God does so well. He took my broken, lost heart and He healed it. Not only did He heal my heart but He made it better! He didn't just put the pieces back together giving me the same worn out, used up heart but he remolded and reshaped it to be more like He desires it to be anyway. He caused me to be able to see the positive and the good in my situation. He showed me blessings in the struggles we endure. He made my heart more like His heart.

Tonight I couldn't help but wonder what else He could do if I gave more of my broken self to Him so He can transform more of me. Why am I trying to find my own identity and not letting God show me what He can do? Why do I doubt my abilities and not just trust what God gives me? I am His perfect creation after all. He is the authority over me. He has proven His faithfulness to me time and time again. The only mold that I need to fit into is the one He has planned for me. Afterall I kinda like this identity!

Now if I can just remember all this tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day!


Clara-Leigh said...

Kim, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your post touched me in the deepest level, woke me up, shook my soul....I was just talking to my mom about this topic tonight....how God gave me soooo many amazing opportunities and great experiences right up until Garrett was 16 months old and we started this whole chaotic experience. I had aspirations to get my girls and Garrett graduated from our homeschool, then go back to school myself or start a business....because I would be sort of back to the original me.
But that was not to be and God has taken all of my previous history of ambition for achievement and success in the outside world away from me. And what a BLESSING!!!! And he knew just how to unfold it in his time so I would "get it."
SO I get it, totally, but to hear it from you made me want to jump for joy and appreciation!!! I get it. I am different, but it is good. I could be terribly disappointed, or I could be angry...wasted emotion!!
Hug that sweet boy for me!!!

Sara Eaton said...

I THANK YOU too, wow, this was just what I needed to read this morning!! I too question my identity daily... I think I will read this entry over and over and over today... it's perfect!!


Clarissa said...

wonderful post! and so true! God bless!